Divorce

Divorce Advice for Victims of Abuse (According to Forbes Magazine)

Published on: June 12, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Women that have suffered through an abusive relationship face many of the same hurdles than any women do when going through a divorce. The only difference is that each step of the long divorce process is made more difficult by the looming presence of an abusive spouse.

It’s often the case that women in abusive relationships have no access to money, no financial documents, no clue of how much money exists in the accounts or how many accounts there are to begin with. They may not have a credit card or checking account in their own name and may be used to detailing how every penny has been spent. Such controlling relationships present ample opportunities for the husband to squirrel away assets because, after all, questioning isn’t permitted.

If you feel trapped in an abusive relationship, there are steps you can take to begin to secure your finances and prepare for an exit. If it can be done safely, you should consider the following suggestions:

• Get a post office box so you can get your mail safely and securely.

• Open a bank account in your own name and start putting away money. Make sure your paycheck is direct deposited into your account rather than the joint checking.

• Keep copies of your important paperwork, including bank statements, marriage certificates, social security numbers, etc. It’s probably a good idea to have a safe place outside of the home to store such documents.

• Obtain a credit card so you have access to money if you find yourself cut off from your husband.

• Open a new, private email account that you can use to securely communicate with an attorney and other divorce professionals. You can even use a public library to access the account if you’re worried that your home computer is not safe or has malware or key logging software installed.

• Change your PIN’s to a number that your husband won’t easily guess.

• If at all possible, avoid signing any documents handed to you by your husband.

• Finally, and most important, make arrangements with family or friends for you and your children to move out of the house at a safe time.

For a Cheap North Carolina Divorce Start Cooperating

Published on: June 5, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Here’s something that should not come as news to anyone going through the process: divorce can be expensive. When a couple decides to end their marriage, it is almost always for personal reasons but these emotional issues can quickly change into fights over money. The result can be financial destruction for both parties. Everybody loses, except the attorneys. The bit of good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way. Divorce doesn’t have to destroy both parties financially; the decision rests in your hands.

If you want your divorce to stay calm (and less costly) you have to keep some of the emotion out. Years of bitterness have built up but you can’t let that distract you from the goal of reasonably dividing assets. Deal with your emotions in therapy, not in a battle of lawyers. Your divorce should be about dividing property, not righting wrongs.

Many couples fall into one of a few traps that lead to the endless cycle of fighting and pumped up divorce fees. Watch for the following issues and you can help avoid financial disaster.

• Anger – Couples that carry around bitterness or jealousy and approach divorce like a war can result in sky-high legal bills. If the couple is out to destroy one another then the result is often mutual destruction.

• Ignorance – Not understanding the process, the couple can make expensive mistakes that take time and money to undo.

• Speed – Couples that are in a dead rush can create more problems than they think they’re solving. When one party is so eager to finish the marriage they can make rash and ill-advised decisions which lead to terrible consequences down the road.

• Delegation – While you certainly need to rely on the advice of your attorney, don’t turn the whole process over and let them run the show. If you are hands off then your lawyers can get into a paper war which succeeds only in raising their fees and draining you of money.

Now that you know what leads to the problems, here are some strategies that can be employed to keep costs from ballooning out of control:

Celebrity Divorce Lessons

Published on: May 22, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Many celebrity marriages are over in the blink of an eye. What can average Joes like us learn from the divorce mistakes of the rich and famous? Plenty. Though we might not have their money or fame, we can still learn lessons from their trials and tribulations:

• Get a prenup
When Mel Gibson divorced he was reported to have divided his $900 million fortune in half. Madonna’s ex, Guy Ritchie, is said to have walked away with an additional $90 million for his time with the singer. Kelsey Grammer, of Frasier fame, had to shell out $50 million to a former Playboy Playmate. Why did they all pay so much? Not because of their generosity, that’s for sure. All these unlucky souls lacked prenuptial agreements. Even if you don’t have their money (or close to it) a prenup can help secure the assets you do have and avoid an arbitrary division by a judge later on.

• Don’t trash your ex in public
Kim Kardashian and the rest of her family have wasted no time trash talking her ex, Kris Humphries since their 72-day marriage ended months ago. All the talking causes the process to drag on longer than necessary and leads to emotions running high along the way. Rather than hurting feelings more than has already happened keep quiet and tell your friends and family to do the same, at least until the papers are signed.

• Follow your child custody agreement
Follow whatever agreements you reached in court. When Alex Baldwin and Kim Basinger split Basinger tried to keep their daughter away from him. This move resulted in a very prolonged and nasty dispute between the two and led to hurt feelings all around. If you don’t hold up your end of the bargain your ex can drag you right back to court, costing you time and money, as well as damaging your relationship with your child, along the way.

Tips for a Better Divorce in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: April 19, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

According to recent article in Psychology Today, while divorce may be ugly for some it does not have to be that way. For many reasons splitting up happens because two people simply weren’t meant to be married. If you’re trying to find ways to be good to your ex during your divorce follow some of these steps to help keep the peace:

1. Don’t try to be friends too soon.

You’ll both need time to heal and recalibrate following a divorce and making sure that you both have a safe distance from one another will allow you to do that on your own schedule. If your relationship is going to have any chance at becoming something new and healthy that allows you to be friends and strong parenting partners, you have to let it all go first. It may feel lousy and lonely for a while but it’s the best way to move forward.

2. Write everything down
Do not assume either of you will remember or abide by the agreement no matter how friendly things are initially. Get everything down in writing so nobody is tempted to ‘forget.’ When it comes to issues of money and parenting, the more details the better. The more that’s clear the less room there will be for fights later on.

3. Outline clear and effective consequences
Agree on what happens if one person does not follow the agreement or somehow does not follow through with their promises. Like with parenting, you need to know what happens to those who break the rules.

4. Resist old patterns
Part of the relief of divorce is you are no longer responsible for your partner’s multitude of issues. The same goes for them. You both are released from one another so be released. Resist the temptation to give or seek old patterns of support.

What to do if You are Facing Divorce (According to the Huffington Post)

Published on: April 12, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

According to a recent article on the HuffingtonPost.com, the following steps should be taken if you see a divorce occurring in the not too distant future. These important actions can protect yourself and your future.

1. Go see an experienced North Carolina family law attorney

Many people wait too long before seeking legal advice about an impending divorce. There are things that you could be doing to protect your assets and help ensure a better outcome in the event you do have to go to trial.

2. Gather financial information and put the documents in a safe place
When you decide to get a divorce there’s a chance that money or information has been hidden. An important first step is to make copies of all the records you can get your hands on and photograph any valuable personal property. Collectibles can disappear in the heat of a nasty divorce and proof is often hard to come by. A record of all of these assets should be kept away from your home in a safe deposit box or with a friend.

3. Don’t try to hide money
Most people who try to hide assets from a spouse aren’t very good at it. If you’re caught doing so the judge may decide to rule harshly against your bad behavior or may be more inclined to believe you’ve done more that you just weren’t caught doing. Judges have a great deal of discretion in divorce cases and you always want to appear to be the “good spouse” in the judge’s eyes.

4. Don’t trash your spouse to others, especially the kids
Though it’s easy to do, it’s important for the sake of the children not to attack the other parent during a tough divorce. The same is true of mutual friends, it’s best to follow the old advice that if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. While you may win over the kids in the short-term they will eventually see through the anger of your remarks and may sympathize with the other parent.

Divorce Rings in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: March 29, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

According to an odd story in the New York Times, the concept of “divorce rings” is starting to gain appeal among a certain set. What is a divorce ring you may ask? Imagine a man bent on one knee, gazing up at surprised woman. He removes a jewelry box from his jacket and hands her a diamond ring in the shape of a broken heart. “Honey, will you divorce me?”
This bizarre scenario may not be as crazy as it seems. Alice Kwartler Antiques is now selling an 18-karat gold and diamond “divorce ring,” complete with a solitaire and jagged broken heart. At $3,200, the ring might cost more than a lot of people’s wedding bands. Rather than symbolizing eternal love, this one is meant to signify that things didn’t work out.
Using rings as a symbol of marital status can be traced back to ancient times. In the modern era, there are three marital statuses: single, married, and divorced. The idea of a “divorce ring” is just another way to signal a shift in a person’s life. The breakup ring would quickly let people know that a marriage is over, just as a wedding ring says that you’re taken. The ring can help avoid tiresome conversations with people about the status of your relationship and serves as a warning sign to newcomers.

Rather than wait to receive such a ring, others might decide to purchase one for themselves as a symbol of surviving the pain of the divorce process. There’s a spirit of starting over, or renewal in the rings and buyers have been known to throw themselves divorce parties or splurge on “divorcemoons.”

Cohabitating North Carolina Couples Not More at Risk for Divorce

Published on: March 15, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

According to a recent article in the Christian Science Monitor, nearly half of all first marriages break up within 20 years. Some people attempt to beat the odds by testing out their relationship by living together prior to marriage. But does that actual help things or only speed along the relationship’s inevitable demise?

A new study, part of a larger marriage survey of 22,000 men and women, suggests that living together is not the kiss of death it once was thought to be. In years past, living together was a good signal regarding the poor health of an eventual relationship. The study author said that now living together prior to marriage is not as big of predictor of divorce as it used to be.

The trend towards cohabitation has been on the rise for decades. In the 1960s only about 10% of couples moved in together first. Among those they were more likely to end up divorced. Today, about 60% of couples live together before they first marry.

“It’s so common, it’s not surprising it no longer negatively affects marital stability,” said Wendy Manning, co-director of the National Center for Family & Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University in Ohio.

The recent study by the Centers for Disease Control happily found that those who were engaged and living together before their wedding were about as likely to have marriages that lasted 15 years as couples who had not lived together prior to marriage.

But how about those who were living together but weren’t engaged? The new study found that marriage was less likely to survive the 10 and 15-year mark among this subgroup. These findings echoed studies from years past.

Use Caution in Post-Divorce Dating

Published on: March 6, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

According to a recent article appearing on Yahoo.com, people emerging from a divorce may not find much luck in the dating department immediately thereafter. Though for some who had to go years without any new romance this is not only normal, it’s also healthier than a rebound relationship.

New York psychologist Leah Klungness, Ph.D. and co-author of The Complete Single Mother, says that while a divorcee may be experiencing pain and confusion following a divorce, it’s better to go through that then to numb yourself with an instant attempt to date. The distraction actually makes the healing process take longer.

As the single time drags on you may want to figure out why you’re dateless. Usually there are two main reasons for a post-divorce dating drought.

1. You’re not ready to date yet
You may feel lonely, your friends and family may try to set you up with someone but that does not mean you’re actually ready to date again. “Emotional preparedness for dating doesn’t happen magically because the final papers have been signed,” says Dr. Klungness. “Anger, bitterness, thoughts about betrayal and infidelity can linger. If these feelings aren’t worked through, they quickly surface, even in casual dating situations, and can sabotage any chance of romance.”

The best rule of thumb according to Dr. Klungness is that, “When the thought of dating starts with an ‘I should’ instead of an ‘I want,’ it’s a red flag.” Rather than rush into something you’re not really ready for, regrouping and giving yourself time to heal is the best plan. Use the time to do the things you love, concentrate on yourself and put yourself first for once.

One sign that you may be ready to date is when people start to genuinely look attractive to you. “Repeated instances of being attracted to different people suggests the authenticity of your feelings,” explains Jerald Jellison, Ph.D., author of Managing the Dynamics of Change. According to Dr. Jellison, when you’re attracted enough to consider spending time with five different people you should be ready to begin dating again.

Study says Divorce at a Young Age Hurts Worst

Published on: February 2, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

A new Michigan State University study finds divorce at a younger age hurts people’s health more than divorce later in life. Study author and sociology professor Dr. Hui Liu said the findings, published in the journal Social Science & Medicine, suggest older people have more coping skills to deal with the incredible stress that results from a divorce.

Liu said the findings indicate that there ought to be “more social and family support for the younger divorced groups.” Liu suggested that this might include “divorce counseling to help people handle the stress, or offering marital therapy or prevention programs to maintain marital satisfaction.”

Liu analyzed the self-reported health status of some 1,282 participants in a long-term national survey. She measured the gap in overall health between those who remained married during the 15-year study period and those who transitioned from marriage to divorce and at what age.

Liu found the gap was wider at younger ages. For example, among people born in the 1950s, those who got divorced between the ages of 35 and 41 reported more health problems in relation to their continuously married counterparts than those who got divorced in the 44 to 50 age range. Researchers were surprised to learn that divorce appears to have a more negative health impact for baby boomers than for individuals in older generations. Liu said she would have expected divorce to be less impactful for younger generations because divorce is so much more common among their age cohorts.

Liu offered an explanation for the difference. Perhaps because the pressure to stay married is so strong among older generations only those with the unhappiest marriages actually moved for divorce and thus, felt relief when the divorce was finalized.

The study confirmed something we mentioned in a previous post (Divorce Can Kill), that those who went from marriage to divorce experienced a generally more rapid health decline than those who remained married. It’s good to hear that those who remained divorced during the entire study period showed no difference with those who remained married.

Understanding the Importance of a Prenuptial Agreement in North Carolina

Published on: January 31, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Though most people would agree that marriage is a big step, representing a major life change, very few people understand the magnitude of the decision both legally and financially. People forget that marriage is, after all, a contract entered into by two people and it entails many of the same pitfalls as any other contractual relationship.

One of the things that many people may not realize is that even if one spouse contributes disproportionately more assets or income to the marital partnership, all of the assets likely eventually become merged into one marital pie where the lesser contributing spouse is entitled to half. This means one spouse could possibly walk away with a disproportionately larger share of the assets than they contributed. When couples agree to marry they typically are agreeing to relinquish half of your accumulated assets, something most newlyweds seldom think about. Some couples, likely those who marry young, may not have any appreciable assets. So, it may not be such a concern for them. However, those who have accumulated assets should give careful consideration to the business aspect of their marriage.

People take a business-like approach to other major events with potentially important financial implications like buying a house or a car. Yet when it comes to marriage, rarely is research conducted or fine print examined. A prenuptial agreement is an obvious way to protect yourself and watch out for both parties’ financial wellbeing. However, many people dismiss the idea as either being a sign of lack of genuine affection or as something only used by the ultra-wealthy. Neither is true.

A recent poll by Harris Interactive showed that when asked nearly half of divorced people said they wish they had a prenup when they married. Forty-four percent of single adults say they would want a prenup and yet only about 5% of couples actually go through with it. Why the disconnect?