Articles Posted in Divorce

According a recent article on Yahoo!, several of the most commonly repeated factoids about divorce have actually been either tragically misconstrued or are instead completely false. Rather than allow urban legends to perpetuate, it’s important to clear a few of the big ones up.

First off, one out of every two marriages do not end in divorce. This is one of the most commonly bandied about statistics, often used as an example of the terrible state of morality in the country and a dire warning to those considering getting married. The fact is that the divorce rate is actually somewhere between 40 and 50 percent. Even this number is artificially high given that it includes those habitual users who rack up multiple divorces and drive the rate higher. Take the number with a grain of salt and remember that statistics do not have to determine the success of your marriage.

Second, the idea that second marriages are more likely to last than first marriages is, sadly, untrue. Though the idea makes sense, given that those going down the aisle a second time would be more mature and likely more hesitant to plunge into a marriage, the numbers tell a different story. According to experts, between 67 and 80 percent of second marriages end in divorce. Even more shocking is that third marriages continue the trend and have even higher divorce rates. The reality is that once you’ve been divorced you are more likely to see divorce as an option and go through it again.

Another commonly misunderstood aspect of the divorce process has to do with its supposed expense. The popular belief is that divorce is an incredibly expensive process that drains the bank accounts of even those with money to spare. While it’s certainly true that some celebrities or wealthy couples can be involved in lengthy and costly legal battles, it’s almost never the case.

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For those wealthy individuals in North Carolina who intended to divorce this year, a recent article in the Wall Street Journal points out that the decision may have recently become more complicated.

Given that the time following New Year’s is one of the most popular periods to file for divorce, financial advisors and divorce attorneys have had to consider changes caused by the American Taxpayer Relief Act, the bill passed by Congress last month meant to avoid the country falling off the fiscal cliff. The new taxes imposed by the law mean that decisions about whether to pay alimony and how to divide up investments and pension plans may need to be reconsidered.

Alimony among high-income couples is getting lot of attention now that the new tax law has passed. The fear is that alimony, which is counted as income for the recipient, could boost a person over the new $400,000 threshold for the top income bracket. Such a move could mean that the person has to pay almost 40% income tax rate. The good thing about alimony is that it is tax deductible for the payor. Child support on the other hand is neither deductible nor reportable as income. That means a concerned spouse worried about tax liability could insist that benefits be paid as child support rather than spousal support, a new issue to fight over during settlement negotiations.

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In what is definitely a new twist on a typical divorce case, a local news station in Snow Camp, NC reports that one very unhappy man has now filed suit against his church, claiming that they are at least somewhat at fault for his divorce.

The man, Warren Pegram, from Alamance County, was a member of the Quaker church Cane Creek Meeting of the Society of Friends. Pegram and his wife attended the church for a number of years before any problems developed. Pegram says that at some point members of the church began plotting against him and helped encourage his wife to move out and proceed with a divorce.

Pegram has said that he believes the church was a powerful influence in his wife’s mind; something he only realized after the divorce was over. While he won’t lay 100% of the blame on the congregation, he says that his wife never would have left without their active assistance. He says church members helped her move her things out of the marital residence and get her set up elsewhere. Pegram says he believes the church conspired with his wife to abandon him because they wanted to punish him for slighting the pastor.

Pegram claims the divorce has cost his financially as well as emotionally. His wife contributed 60% of the household’s money and he has been struggling since her departure last February. He has now filed suit against the church, asking for $180,000 plus $10 million in punitive damages. He says the large amount of money is meant to send a message to other churches not to meddle in the private affairs of congregants.

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In a very troubling story out of Minnesota, a divorce lawyer in Eagan has been barred from practicing law for the next 15 months. The reason? According to an article on The Huffington Post, the lawyer admitted to having sex with a client. Though that by itself represents a major ethical lapse, it gets even worse. Lowe also admitted that he billed the client for his time.

A local newspaper in the area reported that the lawyer had known the woman since the mid-1980s, but that the affair only began in late 2011 after the woman asked him to represent her in a divorce case. Not wanting to waste any time, the lawyer asked the woman only a few days later if she wanted to start a sexual relationship. That move was a huge misstep, a clear violation of the state’s Rules of Professional Conduct for attorneys.

Though this sordid affair is bad enough, it was later revealed that after each encounter, Lowe would bill the client for his “hard work”. Each rendezvous appeared on the woman’s bill as either a “meeting with client” or “drafting memos.”

The affair continued until March of 2012, allowing Lowe to rack up plenty of bills. It only ended after Lowe’s wife learned that her husband had been cheating. Lowe then ended the affair and withdrew as her attorney, but not before sending her one final bill. The stress proved too much for the poor woman who then attempted suicide. Concerned hospital staff pressed her for answers and she ended up revealing the relationship.

The Minnesota Supreme Court moved to revoke Lowe’s license to practice law last week on the grounds that his behavior amounted to gross professional misconduct. The sexual relationship by itself was cause for the suspension, but the additional step of billing the client for meetings in which sexual relations took place shocked the panel that heard his case. The most recent incident was sadly not the first trouble for Lowe. Back in 1997, he was also put on probation for using cocaine that he purchased from another client.

While it can be hard to choose the right divorce attorney, most people should have better luck than the woman in this case. Given the importance of a family law attorney to your life, it’s critical that you pick one you can trust. A divorce attorney is the one you’ll have to rely on for help when you need to make the hard decisions about your divorce. To be able to do that, you need to know that they have your best interest at heart.

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As a follow-up to the last post we did about Yahoo’s 10 tips for those preparing for a divorce, here’s our spin on the last five bits of advice.

First, don’t bother trying to get revenge on your ex, it seldom works anyway. The Yahoo piece mentioned one especially nasty example of a wife telling her husband’s boss about an office affair. The news not only got her husband fired, but resulted in a huge loss of income for everyone involved. The wife’s alimony and child support payments were slashed as the ex looked for new employment. Even in less serious cases, badmouthing often works against you. Talking badly about your ex in front of the kids is never good as it puts them in a very uncomfortable position. It’s best to bite your tongue and channel your frustration in more positive ways.

Next, being divorced shouldn’t be viewed as a terrible failure. There’s nothing scandalous about a failed marriage and you shouldn’t concern yourself with worries about stigmas. Divorce just means that a relationship didn’t work, not that you are incapable of loving or being loved. Keep things in perspective as you move forward and meet new people.

Third, the holidays will be a real adjustment. It’s hard to prepare for how difficult spending Christmas or birthdays or Thanksgiving away from your kids will be until you experience it. It’s best to make plans early to ensure that when your kids are away you stay busy. Wallowing in your own depression won’t help the time pass any more quickly.

Fourth, though your kids might not say much about the divorce, their actions will speak volumes. Lots of kids will have trouble verbalizing their concerns, but pay attention to their behavior to see how they’re coping. Among young kids, if you see them regressing and behaving even younger than they are, that might be a concern. For older kids, anger, truancy problems or abnormal displays of defiance might be signs of trouble. The best way to handle issues is to address them as a family so everyone can talk about the changes they face.

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According to a recent article on Yahoo!, divorce experts and ordinary people who’ve gone through a messy breakup shared some tips on what they wish they had known before starting the sometimes-grueling process. The article contained 10 tips, the first five of which are summarized below. The rest will appear in a future post, so stay tuned.

First things first, understand that it’s going to take a while to heal and that’s perfectly fine. Don’t rush the grieving process; after all, everyone has to bounce back at their own pace. Having a close network of friends and family around can help ease the process, but a good therapist who can help you work through feelings of anger or fear might also be worth considering. One word of warning, make sure to work with a therapist that has dealt with divorce before, either personally or with other clients. After all, you don’t want to work through your issues with a novice.

Second, become an expert on your financial information. Many people may not realize how much of a divorce ultimately revolves around money. Get familiar with your bank accounts, your income, expenses, debts and assets. These numbers will prove critical in the coming weeks and months and you want to make sure you’re armed with all the facts before any decisions are made.

Third, start planning for the future, now. If you’re considering divorce then you need to also be prepared for the financial reality of dividing the same income between two houses. Figure out how much it will cost you to live, either in the house or in a new place if that’s what you want. While it’s sure to be an emotional time, financial realities cannot be ignored and bills will need to be paid. Splitting before you’re financially ready can cause headaches down the road and a bit of planning can usually solve the problem.

Fourth, count on unexpected costs. Even if you’ve planned things carefully there’s bound to be something you forgot or something entirely new that just popped up. Though you may be counting on a check from your ex right away, either child support or alimony, this doesn’t always work like it should. Sometimes an angry ex can delay payment to purposely cause financial hardship. Try to stockpile some money so can wait out a few weeks if need be.

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